“The Greg Gutfeld Show” episodes 1 and 2

As a Greg Gutfeld fan, of course I watched his new show. Has he changed by moving to prime time from 3:00 AM? Not really. In fact, he retained, or revived, some “Red Eye” features, like the ombudsman, now called an Op-Ed, because it is done by Katherine Timpf, definitely not a man.

The first show began with what you might call a Gregalogue on Evil, a popular topic. He argued about it with his liberal talking wall. Greg must have colmed the world to find one of those. And the show included election updates, as well as the news ticker, which Fox do not display on “Red Eye.”

The first block was only fourteen minutes. Then they cut to not commercial, but commercials. By my count, there were 38 of them during the programme, although most were very short. None of the informercials for My Pillow or Your Dipilatory that run in later timeslots.

The initial four-minute break began with a car commercial, one that is not German and has an integrated dynamic system. Have no idea what that is, although it sounds impressive. Then health-themed messages beginning with Larry — the heartburn guy, Dr Scholl, Humana and CVS. Not sure what that is. Aren’t they a drug store. Then there was the Plenti card. The commercial didn’t make clear what it is, so I am confused about it, even though I have one. Then there was some kind of HR service, so you can farm out your work and fire your employees, and the obligatory Progressive motorcycle commercial.

After all that, Colin Quinn was in the first of a couple of sweet vignettes, followed by Tucker Carlson plugging part two of his autobiography, which sounds quite insightful.

Another block of commercials kicked off with Legal Zoom, providing a valuable service to a litigious nation. Then Stanley Steamer, maker of hot dogs or something that fights allergies. ODD Dominion is a freight company, so I am not sure who they were trying to reach. I guess if the Postal Service advertises, these guys can too. Subaru had a provocative ad, in which a mother said of her daughter, “the back seat of my Subaru is where she grew up.” No doubt, a lot of women could say that, although I doubt if it would have been in a Subaru. Game Of War, a game, made a pitch without that well-endowed model, John Deere plugged their tractor, and Rachel Ray her pet food. Didn’t realise she made that, but I’m sure she needs the money.

The commercials would have been better high on pot, which was the next topic, in which Greg found an eloquent sparring partner. Then a new segment, “Where Are They Now?“ which was unbearably poignant.

Next, a commercial that rhymed, something like that song that everybody else likes, is it MacArthur Park? Do you care? Then Mazda. I owned a Mazda in the 70s. Do you care about that? Duracell potrayed a guy who fumbles around in the dark, Atkins Bars said they will cut carbs, GE software on airplanes also cut something. Another drug, Non 24, for people who can’t sleep. [Free advice for insomniacs: Get a video of Janet Yellin speaking. I guarantee you won’t be able to stay awake, now matter how hard you try.] One of those Liberty Mutual ads in front of the Statue of Liberty, not with one of the cute women. Then an uncreative Verizon plug, and one for Boost, which seems designed for people who do not eat. That’s non-eaters and non-sleepers, if you are keeping score.

Then came Joanne Nosuchinsky asking people on the street about money. A currency topic well worth about six minutes.

Cut to Mary and Bill, who are involved with ID fraud. Haven’t seen that hundreds of enough times. CVS again with a baby crying. Are they the pharmacy that won’t sell cigarettes? Quite a jazzy interlude about Expedia, then the Beezid chick, who might be Kat Timpf without glasses, pushing shopping as fun. The extended commercial about a bathtub might have been local. They said it had a lifetime warrantee, but it looked like that won’t last long for their potential customers.

A few minutes with Ms Timpf, who gave the show a B-, led into more commercials.

The Dr Scholls ad wasn’t that good the first time. Another car: catch it if you can. What am I, a dog? AT&T, whatever. Sargento cheese with ultra thin slices. Guess what, you just pile on more to make up for it. A woman with a lovely accent talked about chemistry for BASF. I know who they are because I once used their recording tapes, but I’m not sure how I would use their products today. Another Deere spot: nothing runs like a Deere. Get it? Then something about COPD, with a cartoon dog (or wolf) doctor, and the same Humana ad, I think.

That was it. Greg said goodbye with a short monologue and rode off into the night with Lou Dobbs.

Week two’s show started a bit differently. Yes, there was a Gregalogue, then M-Kat and Guy Benson talked about pressing issues, like the metric system, where we are inches from a national dialogue.

The first break came after only twelve minutes, with an electric toothbrush ad that I liked, but I already have one, so I am not in the market. A Duracell repeat from last week, then a child driving a Subaru, which was new. Then Geico motorcycle insurance. Xerox had an okay spot, I guess to build their brand since, as the narrator said, we know them mostly for making shitty copiers. Then some weirdness, or maybe it’s my handwriting. Old dogs taking Aleve because it’s just two pills. Dogs can’t count higher. Buster Posey Toyota? Have no clue what that was about. Then Compare.com, where you can price insurance, in case you haven’t heard of Google, with talking apples.

Greg added Kmele Foster to the panel to discuss gun control. Then there was a short black-and-white film, “News For Kids,” explaining the “Entourage” movie. Should have had one for adults, too.

Another four-minute commercial barrage began with One-A-Day vitamins. They still exist, apparently. Magic Jack. Auto insurance from USAA, who claim no one ever drops them. The woman with the lovely voice back for BASF. Then transition lenses, the Huntsman Cancer Institute. John was an actor? Oh, it’s Jon Huntsman. Trane cooling system had the punny slogan: It’s hard to stop a Trane. Insert your own puny Amtrak joke. Legal Zoom resurfaces.

Then Greg for a bit longer, maybe seven minutes. He and Joanne chatted with Donald Trump, who also has a TV show. The panel followed, all saying they wouldn’t vote for Trump if he ran for office, which he probably won’t. Greg said they would discuss the Duggers, then never mention them again, but first lots more commercials.

A Wells Fargo spot that made no sense. "We’ll go far." How many years ago did you get sick of that tagline? Atkins pizza. Just what I want, healthy pizza. Joseph A Banks, suits and shoes. Buy one shoe, get another one free.

[I can’t believe my pen went dry. I can’t believe I am using a pen to take notes.]

Back to work, with a Xerox copy, followed by the best commercial, Covergirl featuring P!nk, almost a music video. A cute pharmacist talking about fungus. Who knew fungus could be fun? Some deal with Verizon and a cellphone. CVS shouting again. Finally, that funny commercial for Startup New York, supposedly growing the economy. Much better than fracking. Blah, blah, blah.

A seven-minute segment included a different take on The Duggers, whom no one will admit watching. I sure never watched them or the Tender Loving Care channel. Then a crazy 911 call where a cat was terifying a couple. Oooh! Finally, Lou Dobbs read a poem by Greg. Stirring!

How many commercials can be squeezed into four minutes? May and Bill again for Lifelock and their el cheapo document shredder. A different Dr Scholls pitch. Do they really need to advertise? Panero bread or something like that. An advert bragging about a luxury resort. Fox News Alert: There is no ‘G’ in luxury, Sandals. A brief word for vaginal mesh users. Can’t imagine who they are. Were they trying to filter out foreign objects? Cortizone for itches, Rolaids for hearburn: Kick Acid. If you don’t get it, say it out loud. On second thought, it isn’t worth it. Then Progressive Insurance with an animated box or something telling you to compare rates on their site, screw compare.com. The block ended with End Addiction.

Precious minutes with Katherine Timpf. She is tough. Makes TV’s Andy Levy seem like a pussycat. (He was the “Red Eye” ombudsman.)

Then the last blast of commercials, beginning with the Gutter Putter to improve your golf game, if you have one. That USAA insurance again, Citracal – a brand-name mineral supplement, Duracell Quantum (same as last week), another Game Of War without the well-developed lass, Sleep Number bed for those who can’t sleep. [See Janet Yellen above or at the Federal Reserve.] Zonnic Nicotine gum, plastic pouches of Sargento cheese, CreditCards.com to compare. Another feel good Legal Zoom promo. If we wanted to feel good, we’d watch the Tonys.

For his last segment of week two, Greg had a guy who registered his URL, TheGregGutfeldShow.com. He was willing to hand it back for an appearance on the show, and turned out to be a pretty decent guest. As someone who had my gtslade.com URL stolen at renewal several years back, this hit home. I still haven’t been able to recover it. My only consolation is that whomever now controls it has absolutely no use for it. It is a big damned waste of money.

To sum up, the second show had more better commercials. Both beat what “Red Eye” gets in the wee hours of the morning. I will continue watching Greg’s new venture, possibly skipping through the advertising. Knowing Gutfeld, it will get better each week. He’s never satisfied, very self-critical. Very entertaining.